Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
