You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why do cheetos always look like penises
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
