I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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