you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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