shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
