I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
