I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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