1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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