I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
