before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
