I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
