I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
