cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
