can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
