I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
