I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
