should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
