Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
