I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he fucked my hip out of place.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just gargled with NyQuil
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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