Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
