the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
