wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
