All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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