I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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