HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
