For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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