I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The beers last night were like the tears from god
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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