that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
