Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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