My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
