Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
