I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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