sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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