i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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