apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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