Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
