after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
