She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
It's shark week go big or go home
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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