R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
