The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
