Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
