Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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