i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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