Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
