Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Houston, we have a blender
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
