Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
