Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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