Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
