A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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