After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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