Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
